A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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