my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
