the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
