laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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