there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
no you cant smoke seaweed
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
