One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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