you traded sex for a burrito?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
