It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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