dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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