I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
