whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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