Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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