I molested 6 butterflies tonight
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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