Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
