Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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