drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
