Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
