the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
