ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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