just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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