she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
