Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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