I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
