I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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