yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
