I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
