I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize