So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
