Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
