Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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