Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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