Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
