I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
