How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's shark week go big or go home
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
