Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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