Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
