he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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