FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
