He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
