Even the bartender felt bad for me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
