While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
