Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
