Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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