I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
