How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize