I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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