Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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