He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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