We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize