I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
