Who did Billy Mays play for?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
