It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
