oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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