I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize