why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
