i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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