i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i barfeds in our rink
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Operation Purity has been aborted
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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