You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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